For what I am

When I am with you.

You can only be so strong for so long,

Until you reach the point where you break

Physically

Mentally

Emotionally

BROKEN.

This one is for you because I am a big mess and that is the last thing you need right now.

Dear, well you know who you are;

Can we start over? Can we meet again? Can we kiss...again?

I had a dream

Last night

That you talked to me

Again,

Like we used to

Whispering,

Late nights,

Honest words,

Hushed breaths,

But I woke up,

And the dream was gone

just like you

And I want you to know

No

I need you to know

I miss the way we used to talk

Or not talk

I miss the way we just were. I just want to lay on your chest and listen to your heartbeat.

Nothing is easy with me, but you already know that. If only I could turn back time, rewind. If I could make it undone the day you saw me at my worst, I swear I would, I would make it up to you. I want to go back to before you knew me, to when you first saw me and I first saw you. To me laying on your shoulder and you holding my hand.

But there is not such thing as a start over or a rewind, you know what you know. You've seen what you've seen. and what's been done, well it's been done.

All I can do now is say I am sorry.

Sorry for letting me go like that and you having to pick up the pieces, because pain is inevitable but suffering is optional... I heard you loud and clear every time you talked to me and gave me advice; I truly did and you were right every single time, I give you that. You were fucking right, I do need a hug, I do deal with my pain the wrong way, I AM smarter than that, I do need someone, and I definitely can not manage on my own but I never needed you to save me. I have moments of weakness where I believe I need someone to save me, but I know I save myself. When I say I need someone, I need someone to hold my hand while I save myself.

I do not know if you care or cared about me at any point, I would like to think you did, because I gave you so much, yet not enough.

I really regret being so difficult, and that is the only word I find to define myself, in terms of the way I am, my way of thinking, I am hard to deal with, to want, to endure, believe me, I know I am. That's why I understand when someone decides to leave, and I really appreciate who, despite everything, stays by my side. As a person I do find it bizarre how a someone could mean nothing to you but in a matter of hours, days, weeks or months, they could mean the world to you.

You are not my world, don't worry you are less than that, but more than nothing. I like you, that's it; simple. I do not ask you to reciprocate the feeling and as for these words they hold no power over you, it is just something that I never planned or saw coming.

I concluded that I broke my own heart.

I knew how things were, and I insisted.

"I know you are not supposed to look to other people to save you, but whenever I am around you, the world becomes simple. My moods lift and the skies shift from smoke and smog to the softest blue. I know I'm meant to save myself, but the fact is, with you, I don't have to"

- Beau Taplin - T h e S o f t e s t B l u e

One last time I am truly sorry, Do not worry broken things like me are better alone. But for what I am when I am with you, for that I thank you.